Walking back from getting Chinese food. Temple University area. 2 am.
Walk past these guys. "Not racial stereotyping!" I say to myself, as I am tempted to hang up on kara and get out of there fast. AK speeds up on his bike a little, I walk a little faster, after the guy stops to tie his shoe.
Punched on the side of the face, my glasses fly off. I whacked him with the Chinese food. They grab my phone off the ground and run.
Crappiest phone ever. Broken outer screen, screen blinks every 5 seconds, randomly turns off, drops calls, has a battery life of about half an hour if talking.
BUT it has all my contacts, some of which I won't get back, and my pictures and videos, none of which I will ever get back. not even the most excellent one of my dad sleeping on the toilet, the cool MIT building, or Lopez'z urinal turd.
Gone are my thousand inbox texts. no biggie.
Gone is the ability to call people at will.
Starting over, less convenience and control.
Maybe this will be good for me.
Even if it is just terrible, can't do anything about it anyway. I was just really hungry and we lost almost all are Chinese. yes, we picked up one relatively undamaged package of sesame chicken and kept it. and the egg rolls.
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Monday, December 29, 2008
I may or may not be the biggest poser ever.
But then again, a poser not posing for anything is not really a poser.
Maybe I'm just intentional.
yeah, that's it. i'll believe that most of the time.
Maybe I'm just intentional.
yeah, that's it. i'll believe that most of the time.
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
Ladders: A Dissolution of Weights, Scales, and Measuring Sticks
The streetlights reflected off of her green eyes, auburn hair partially concealing them as it cascaded down her cheeks. Such eyes were wells of experience; so much had been seen which I knew nothing about and was not to be a part of. They stared off into the distance with an aloof sort of expression, though it was not one of carelessness or ignorance; more likely they were striving to fathom the immeasurable depth of the human experience, life, and the significance of the passing seconds.
A grimace: shining cherry lips were bitten in a moment of suppressed indignation, tempered by a benevolent understanding of mankind which reluctantly extended to the silly driver who had slammed on his brakes at an inopportune moment. From her lips escaped a low sigh; small potatoes. This was life, and she knew it. Another test arose in its place; the imposition of a stop sign on a well-intentioned person with far more on her plate, far more to achieve, far more drive: incomprehensible and somehow offensive.
Graceful fingers swept nimbly across the CD player, activating its contents on a child’s whim.
I could not stand this song. Poor instrumentation, with shallow lyrics spun in contrived sentiment. They yearned for a day gone by, an admirable pursuit, but without any hope of the future conveyed. Devoid of feeling, the noise was meant merely to pass the time, some sort of drug.
Painted fingernails tapped the steering wheel in rhythm with the beat, mouth silently forming the words into the cold January air, artificially made warmer by the car’s dingy interior.
The eyes mistily ascribed meaning; a universe, all her own, was swiftly created from the ashes. The song had meaning, significance, suddenly, as if it had materialized from the clouds above. It spoke of cold dawns with tea clutched in tiny hands, of summer evenings spent listening to the singing of birds and the whirring of a lawnmower, both beheld with equally rapt attention. Portraits were painted of splashes of color, of friends huddled around a fire, of long drives into the night; drives no less than this one.
The song had taken on her persona, and had become part of her.
As the little car ambled around the dark streets, aimless in direction but firm in purpose, none of its occupants were ever to be quite the same. Countless shadows were flushed from hiding by the guiding headlights, speared upon the piercing halogen rays. Peppered with stars, the otherwise ink-black sky served as a reminder of a scope far greater than that of the meandering metallic box, though it held no dominion as the music continued to issue forth from the smudged plastic dashboard.
I loved that song in all its newly spun identity.
----------------------------- Or: The Ever-Staring Clock Breaks in Two!
The unforgiving asphalt vanished between spinning rubber tires as a journey was unfolding. A jaunt to the beach, a relaxing weekend, had been engendered and hatched in the late July heat.
Same car, same occupants, same resolve.
Trapped. Coffin on wheels, hurtling towards oblivion through uncertain days. Fingers sweaty, fumbling over dull objects, searching for a measure of comfort, a gentle caress to a restless heart and mind. I squeezed the innocent cellular phone so hard that it has blinked ever since; “I need to go back,” stated with feigned tranquility and status quo. “But I can’t; It’s the last staff trip, I need to spend time with Justin and Seth and Brian and…”
Jake promptly brought my blabbering to a close. “Alejandro, let’s stop at this gas station, think it over. Think of yourself for once.”
I imagined what spitting his words back into his kindly face would look like.
I entered the convenience store. Ubiquitous mayhem was the order of the day for this gathering of the lost and the wandering. At least prepackaged snack products and fizzy drinks united us. Behold! A cling-wrapped sub with a brand name that could only inspire hilarity stared at me; I felt a little better as an imaginary egg broke over my unkempt head and trickled down towards my toes, as gravity would most often dictate in such a hypothetical situation.
I staggered toward the bathroom, upper teeth digging themselves into my lower lip. Opening the door, I caught a conversation in its dying moments.
“Ya gotta hitch the trailer up right, or else it’ll be drifting all over the place, you know? You don’t want that, that’s bad news. But what I’ll tell you surely is, since you’re just starting out trucking and all; it’s strange. You never get to see your family, you know… I mean, one day you just slow down from work and you realize that your kids are all grown up. You miss a lot, you know. But someone’s gotta do it.”
A brisk walk found me fleeing the truckers’ bared soul. I strode out into the blinding sunshine, seeking my compatriots.
“Brian will take you back, it’s only about an hour drive,” Jake blurted out with an expression quite unsure of itself. His eyes radiated empathy.
“No,” I half-whispered. “We’re going on an adventure.”
A little louder, “Life is too beautiful.”
A grimace: shining cherry lips were bitten in a moment of suppressed indignation, tempered by a benevolent understanding of mankind which reluctantly extended to the silly driver who had slammed on his brakes at an inopportune moment. From her lips escaped a low sigh; small potatoes. This was life, and she knew it. Another test arose in its place; the imposition of a stop sign on a well-intentioned person with far more on her plate, far more to achieve, far more drive: incomprehensible and somehow offensive.
Graceful fingers swept nimbly across the CD player, activating its contents on a child’s whim.
I could not stand this song. Poor instrumentation, with shallow lyrics spun in contrived sentiment. They yearned for a day gone by, an admirable pursuit, but without any hope of the future conveyed. Devoid of feeling, the noise was meant merely to pass the time, some sort of drug.
Painted fingernails tapped the steering wheel in rhythm with the beat, mouth silently forming the words into the cold January air, artificially made warmer by the car’s dingy interior.
The eyes mistily ascribed meaning; a universe, all her own, was swiftly created from the ashes. The song had meaning, significance, suddenly, as if it had materialized from the clouds above. It spoke of cold dawns with tea clutched in tiny hands, of summer evenings spent listening to the singing of birds and the whirring of a lawnmower, both beheld with equally rapt attention. Portraits were painted of splashes of color, of friends huddled around a fire, of long drives into the night; drives no less than this one.
The song had taken on her persona, and had become part of her.
As the little car ambled around the dark streets, aimless in direction but firm in purpose, none of its occupants were ever to be quite the same. Countless shadows were flushed from hiding by the guiding headlights, speared upon the piercing halogen rays. Peppered with stars, the otherwise ink-black sky served as a reminder of a scope far greater than that of the meandering metallic box, though it held no dominion as the music continued to issue forth from the smudged plastic dashboard.
I loved that song in all its newly spun identity.
----------------------------- Or: The Ever-Staring Clock Breaks in Two!
The unforgiving asphalt vanished between spinning rubber tires as a journey was unfolding. A jaunt to the beach, a relaxing weekend, had been engendered and hatched in the late July heat.
Same car, same occupants, same resolve.
Trapped. Coffin on wheels, hurtling towards oblivion through uncertain days. Fingers sweaty, fumbling over dull objects, searching for a measure of comfort, a gentle caress to a restless heart and mind. I squeezed the innocent cellular phone so hard that it has blinked ever since; “I need to go back,” stated with feigned tranquility and status quo. “But I can’t; It’s the last staff trip, I need to spend time with Justin and Seth and Brian and…”
Jake promptly brought my blabbering to a close. “Alejandro, let’s stop at this gas station, think it over. Think of yourself for once.”
I imagined what spitting his words back into his kindly face would look like.
I entered the convenience store. Ubiquitous mayhem was the order of the day for this gathering of the lost and the wandering. At least prepackaged snack products and fizzy drinks united us. Behold! A cling-wrapped sub with a brand name that could only inspire hilarity stared at me; I felt a little better as an imaginary egg broke over my unkempt head and trickled down towards my toes, as gravity would most often dictate in such a hypothetical situation.
I staggered toward the bathroom, upper teeth digging themselves into my lower lip. Opening the door, I caught a conversation in its dying moments.
“Ya gotta hitch the trailer up right, or else it’ll be drifting all over the place, you know? You don’t want that, that’s bad news. But what I’ll tell you surely is, since you’re just starting out trucking and all; it’s strange. You never get to see your family, you know… I mean, one day you just slow down from work and you realize that your kids are all grown up. You miss a lot, you know. But someone’s gotta do it.”
A brisk walk found me fleeing the truckers’ bared soul. I strode out into the blinding sunshine, seeking my compatriots.
“Brian will take you back, it’s only about an hour drive,” Jake blurted out with an expression quite unsure of itself. His eyes radiated empathy.
“No,” I half-whispered. “We’re going on an adventure.”
A little louder, “Life is too beautiful.”
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Whirlwind.
I can't really explain what is going on. I just know that I'm in for the ride. This is a completely new experience for me, but i feel completely comfortable with it, as if i've been through it a thousand times before. Perhaps the scenario has played itself out so many times in my head, perhaps you are perfect and I don't know it yet.
Some things make me uneasy. Sometimes i wonder. Dispel these doubts with who you are, not through an effort to change to accommodate them.
All I can say is that i feel exceptionally at home given the truly small amount of time which has felt like something of an eternity.
Cheers to the future.
I will do my best to learn to love you, and I hope you will do the same.
Some things make me uneasy. Sometimes i wonder. Dispel these doubts with who you are, not through an effort to change to accommodate them.
All I can say is that i feel exceptionally at home given the truly small amount of time which has felt like something of an eternity.
Cheers to the future.
I will do my best to learn to love you, and I hope you will do the same.
Saturday, June 14, 2008
Chasing a Ghost, for the first time all over again.
All i wanted was to hold your hand, walking through fields of daisies as we smelled them for the first time. As we touched the warmth of the sun for the first time, as we heard the singing of the birds and the buzz of the bees and tasted the summer evening air for the first time.
Together we would build cities without walls, we would travel around the world spreading seeds of wildflowers, hoping that they would spring up and cover the black earth which so often permeated even our own lives. We would find beauty in imperfection, and we would breathe it in day after day until we finally began to truly grasp it.
The world would be that one great big jigsaw puzzle that we loved sitting around, under lamplight in an attic, and putting together, piece by piece, even though we knew it would never be complete.
We would spend the days sitting together under the maple tree, placing band-aids and tears on each others' wounds as they appeared on our flesh, nursing them until they healed. Then we would kiss the scars.
but you push me away, and i am broken, even though i convinced myself i don't need you.
Together we would build cities without walls, we would travel around the world spreading seeds of wildflowers, hoping that they would spring up and cover the black earth which so often permeated even our own lives. We would find beauty in imperfection, and we would breathe it in day after day until we finally began to truly grasp it.
The world would be that one great big jigsaw puzzle that we loved sitting around, under lamplight in an attic, and putting together, piece by piece, even though we knew it would never be complete.
We would spend the days sitting together under the maple tree, placing band-aids and tears on each others' wounds as they appeared on our flesh, nursing them until they healed. Then we would kiss the scars.
but you push me away, and i am broken, even though i convinced myself i don't need you.
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
Rain
One may conjure up all the things that rain is supposed to be, feelings it's supposed to invoke or create.
All i know is that, after listening to an incredible life story, I chose to walk back alone, singing songs of a guilty random order. I stood on the porch to the staff building, gazing off across the field as rain slanted towards me. All beyond my little world was obscured in darkness, invaded only by the light glancing off the few pioneer drops which dared to cross the concrete plane of the porch roof.
I wanted desperately to feel. Some things I did not feel. Some I did. Some swam just out of reach, hidden like a shower-misted mirror. Others seemed to fight into focus of their own accord, surfacing to take a breath from their long, underwater slumber. This breath was life.
I heard stories in the rain. People. Lives. Loneliness can not even exist in the presence of millions of transparent friends. My yellow bird soared into the June sky, leaving a glittering trail in its wake.
I feel you. I miss you. I need what you stand for.
All i know is that, after listening to an incredible life story, I chose to walk back alone, singing songs of a guilty random order. I stood on the porch to the staff building, gazing off across the field as rain slanted towards me. All beyond my little world was obscured in darkness, invaded only by the light glancing off the few pioneer drops which dared to cross the concrete plane of the porch roof.
I wanted desperately to feel. Some things I did not feel. Some I did. Some swam just out of reach, hidden like a shower-misted mirror. Others seemed to fight into focus of their own accord, surfacing to take a breath from their long, underwater slumber. This breath was life.
I heard stories in the rain. People. Lives. Loneliness can not even exist in the presence of millions of transparent friends. My yellow bird soared into the June sky, leaving a glittering trail in its wake.
I feel you. I miss you. I need what you stand for.
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Stranger in the Mirror
I wish that who i created you as, in my mind and my heart, matched up with who you were in reality. Sometimes you say things, feel things, do things which give me hope and give me a feeling inside, a feeling like waking up on a weekday, only to find that the road is blanketed in a beautiful white, and that school is canceled. That is how you make my heart behave, but every time its leaps become a little harder, more deliberated. Soon, I fear, it will be too late, and then we can only say "well, what is lost is lost", though we really wish it didn't have to be so. It doesn't. I want to tell you that you are full of shit, and probably you wish to say the same towards me, but we both realize that such an accusation just doesn't quite work, because there seems to be so much more behind the curtain, so much more than we can, or like to, see.
Though I would, I cannot wait forever for you to finally push off of the shore of false security into the wonders of the deep blue ocean. I can describe it to you, I can do my best you lead you there, but I cannot make you, and I will not even attempt to. You must decide whether you let yourself be held up by hollow pillars which grow weaker every day, because we both know you wish to see all the colors of life. I don't care what our label is, or what our relationship constitutes or how it is defined. I only wish that you are part of my life in some way, just as what I thought you were has become a part of me.
I will be here, waiting, though I cannot say how long. Whatever you choose, I only wish your happiness.
Because what I want after all is not this idea... i just want you, and all who you are and don't wish to be.
This was a lot of poor writing, and I'll probably be led to delete it soon. Maybe by then it won't have any meaning.
Though I would, I cannot wait forever for you to finally push off of the shore of false security into the wonders of the deep blue ocean. I can describe it to you, I can do my best you lead you there, but I cannot make you, and I will not even attempt to. You must decide whether you let yourself be held up by hollow pillars which grow weaker every day, because we both know you wish to see all the colors of life. I don't care what our label is, or what our relationship constitutes or how it is defined. I only wish that you are part of my life in some way, just as what I thought you were has become a part of me.
I will be here, waiting, though I cannot say how long. Whatever you choose, I only wish your happiness.
Because what I want after all is not this idea... i just want you, and all who you are and don't wish to be.
This was a lot of poor writing, and I'll probably be led to delete it soon. Maybe by then it won't have any meaning.
Friday, May 9, 2008
Thursday, April 24, 2008
Memento
new version of an older song, revised to fit the amazing music put to it by the one and only luke ezzo. It amazed me how, 4 months later, this song took on new dimensions and meaning in my life. Things will always start over new, with lingering of the past pushing for a hope of the future.
Memento
When i saw you staring at
the same painting as I
a gentle look of longing
untold power in your eye
twin windows to a galaxy
of pain turned into good
though no words escaped our lips
i knew we understood
It was good to see you for a moment
before you slipped away
the look in your eyes spoke of wonders
lost along the way
leaving the scent of life
rippling in the wave
...so much more to say
such a light shone from within
I basked upon its rays
with no one else my dear
I'd spend such uncertain days
question my existence
question what is trite
strong in purpose, hand in hand
walk into shifting night
It was good to see you for a moment
before you slipped away
the look in your eyes spoke of wonders
lost along the way
leaving the scent of life
rippling in the wave
...so much more to say
it is for this moment that i live
wade through the rising tide
there is no treetop i can't reach
with you by my side.
I'd give myself up for you
sacrifice my pride
with your love closed in my heart
the world is open wide
Memento
When i saw you staring at
the same painting as I
a gentle look of longing
untold power in your eye
twin windows to a galaxy
of pain turned into good
though no words escaped our lips
i knew we understood
It was good to see you for a moment
before you slipped away
the look in your eyes spoke of wonders
lost along the way
leaving the scent of life
rippling in the wave
...so much more to say
such a light shone from within
I basked upon its rays
with no one else my dear
I'd spend such uncertain days
question my existence
question what is trite
strong in purpose, hand in hand
walk into shifting night
It was good to see you for a moment
before you slipped away
the look in your eyes spoke of wonders
lost along the way
leaving the scent of life
rippling in the wave
...so much more to say
it is for this moment that i live
wade through the rising tide
there is no treetop i can't reach
with you by my side.
I'd give myself up for you
sacrifice my pride
with your love closed in my heart
the world is open wide
Thursday, March 6, 2008
Song #3....this one already has music for it.
What is this, our design?
Telephones and power lines?
Have we lost ourselves
Have we lost ourselves?
Roll over in my sheets
Just one of many weeks
Gaze out at crimson sky
I promise one day I will fly
Grounded
I’ve been grounded
Grounded
So lost I’ve found it
Friends with my TV
Out there is the enemy
Tell me something’s got to give
Running is no way to live
And I cover my ears
Lock away all my fears
With a tiny golden key
This will be the end of me
Grounded
I’ve been grounded
Grounded
So lost I’ve found it
As I sit and sing this song
Took you for granted all along
Pack my bags and go outside
To your gentle arms I fly
I fly
I fly
Telephones and power lines?
Have we lost ourselves
Have we lost ourselves?
Roll over in my sheets
Just one of many weeks
Gaze out at crimson sky
I promise one day I will fly
Grounded
I’ve been grounded
Grounded
So lost I’ve found it
Friends with my TV
Out there is the enemy
Tell me something’s got to give
Running is no way to live
And I cover my ears
Lock away all my fears
With a tiny golden key
This will be the end of me
Grounded
I’ve been grounded
Grounded
So lost I’ve found it
As I sit and sing this song
Took you for granted all along
Pack my bags and go outside
To your gentle arms I fly
I fly
I fly
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
Saturday, January 19, 2008
Ice- a song.
stare into your eyes
like a child watches the year's first snow
but to my surprise
I find you are inside alone
snowman on a hill
you said you'd never melt
snowman on the hill
said you'd never fade away
your heart is a lie
ice, now growing thin
under watchful eye
set on a child's whim
your coal buttons
drop slowly to the ground
protect that heart darling,
fear you'd give it away.
lonely snowman on the hill
no one understands
just as well for you
it would be too much.
at the dawn’s tendrils’ creep
sun’s first rays
your smile of coal
is not so straight anymore
but you know, i feel
i've done the same
...and still i love you
somehow I still love you.
like a child watches the year's first snow
but to my surprise
I find you are inside alone
snowman on a hill
you said you'd never melt
snowman on the hill
said you'd never fade away
your heart is a lie
ice, now growing thin
under watchful eye
set on a child's whim
your coal buttons
drop slowly to the ground
protect that heart darling,
fear you'd give it away.
lonely snowman on the hill
no one understands
just as well for you
it would be too much.
at the dawn’s tendrils’ creep
sun’s first rays
your smile of coal
is not so straight anymore
but you know, i feel
i've done the same
...and still i love you
somehow I still love you.
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