It's Christmas Time!

____ [fill in the blank] ____

And I swear I'll pull you from the clay,
where the motes of dust drift down.
Just grab my bony wrist.

Amish

I want to be a man of the earth, a man of hard work in what he cares for, a man of God, and a man of an open mind. A man of experience and of love, lost and gained.

I love you Pennsylvania.

Easy to Forget When You Have a Microwave

But the world is just so much bigger than me. It annoys me to no end that I have to forget this fact in order to do anything grind-related, like finish homework or deal with money issues. I keep telling myself that right now, my world needs to be small so I can have the best possible position to fulfill myself in the future. And by fulfilling myself, I mean fulfilling what I want for myself. And by that, I mean largely to fulfill others and experience great things.

Gotta kiss ass and just roll with it for a bit. After all, I'm not anywhere close to knowing enough to think that I would know the best direction for my life right now anyway.

I wonder what I'll think in a few years of this approach.

What eats me is that in college, self-centeredness is a virtue, and almost a necessity.

asleep at the wheel

The chewing gum on the asphalt creeps under my tires, driving home from a short mission.
I know who my friends are. I know the good people. And they're all over the place.
My jeep needs an oil change, but for now it's running fine.

Thanksgiving Break, how sweet the sound.

I'm never going to get any homework done.

Wonderful concerts, good people (even if only in flashes), camaraderie and community, squirrels burying nuts on the quad, freshmen who are having a better college experience than seniors, swell books, party socks, conversations, and thoughtfulness.
Contentment with the ordinary and hunger for the extraordinary.
Life is good, even in the troughs of the wave.

What...

...a roller coaster it's been lately. I'm getting to old for this. I'm probably just tired, but I have this feeling, mostly from the series of unfortunate events that has been continually unfolding across the past 72 hours, that I am way off track with life right now. Hardcore off track.

Ok ok, we get the vine, but where the hell are the branches?

I feel that life is kind of cyclical. Continually we stray far from who we actually are, only to come back with some fresh baggage, trailing some new hopes and dreams which spill out of our suitcase, dirtying themselves on the airport floor.

everywhere we gain new perspective, influences, characteristics, loves, and demons. but we always end up somewhere at least close to where we actually are. after all, even if you're not "yourself", you're still you.

I was reading my xanga from freshman/ sophomore years of high school. What a weird kid, but in some ways I had all my ducklings in a row. Too bad they all grew up into ducks and ran away, honking into the night air looking for something new.

Like eef barzelay, on the bus to the unknown. and i dig it.

With one or two I get used to the room
We go slow when we first make our moves
By five or six bring you out to the car
Number nine with my head on the bar
And it's sad, but true
Out of cash and I.O.U's

I got desperate desires and unadmirable plans
My tongue will taste of gin and malicious intent
Bring you back to the bar
Get you out of the cold
My sober, straight face gets you out of your clothes
And they're scared that we know
All the crimes they'll commit
Who they'll kiss before they get home

I will lie awake
Lie for fun and fake the way I hold you
Let you fall for every empty word I say

Barely conscious in the door where you stand
Your eyes are fighting sleep while your mouth makes your demands
You laugh at every word trying hard to be cute
I almost feel sorry for what I'm gonna do
And your hair smells of smoke
Who will cast the first stone?
You can sin or spend the night all alone

Brass buttons on your coat hold the cold
In the shape of a heart that they cut out of stone
You're using all your looks that you've thrown from the start
If you let me have my way I swear I'll tear you apart
Cause it's all you can be
You're a drunk and you're scared
It's ladies night, all the girls drink for free

I will lie awake
Lie for fun and fake the way I hold you
Let you fall for every empty word I say

-brand new
when i see them live, twice, i will laugh and cry and stare stone-silent at the ceiling.

She lifts her skirt up to her knees,
walks through the garden rows with her bare feet, laughing.
I never learned to count my blessings,
I choose instead to dwell in my disasters.
-LaMontagne

Midpoint New Years

say more of what's on my mind.
try harder to fulfill what it means to love- people, life, god, me, girl.



I feel tonight as if two phases of my life have just come crashing together in a most excellent way, not without some muffled pain in the offering.

Late night movie with a father who I have barely spoken to my entire life, but have somehow spent two days in a shadow of harmony with. Star Trek. Only crazy people accomplish anything, and they gotta fight through the bars of many cages to get there. eat shit, academia.
Longest piss of my life, leave the theater.
Quiet-running car driven by Julian himself is waiting. Sirius Radio. Yellow acoustic, backporch uncut. Laughing in background of song. Starry night over the desert, expanding in every direction. I am in new mexico, and I am still connected. Tears come to my eyes.

and you're skin and bones...

I feel you all. imperfection.
turned in... to something beautiful...

my, my, what the future holds.

for you i'd bleed myself dry...




Because I love you so.



like late-night strawberry jam in a fresh-made flour tortilla.

Memoirs of a Geisha

I just finished watching it. Everyone else fell asleep. Lots of thoughts through my head abut myself, but let's explore the general picture briefly...
I think it's terrible to have such a culture based on materialism and outward appearance, where virginity is even auctioned off... however, I find it fascinating that this seems to be a cultural reaction to the wonderful intricacies that is the female allure, the dance of sexuality between people, and the inability to ever fully grasp aesthetics.
...her lovely face is hidden behind a mask, as she slowly allows the hopes in her heart to fall away like leaves...
...then finds that love is real, rather than giving up.

"Color Test"

There is a major thread here that is pretty much off, I think, but you be the judge of that... then again, I wouldn't know... but it interests me enough to post it, though I think it may be just vague enough to apply anytime, like a horoscope.

Alejandro took the free ColorQuiz.com personality test! "Lives life to the fullest. Has a high energy leve..." Click here to read the rest of the results.

F*ckin L*ve

Ah, the L word. Do I throw it around way too easily? Hell yes. Do I mean it anyway? yes.

It's wonderful how the things we love the most in life, the things we live and die for, are the things we most take for granted. I realize that "wonderful" is a pretty odd term...doesn't sound that wonderful. However, I typed wonderful, then my though changed, so I just decided to run with it.
So, wonderful. yes. I remember how in Benjamin Button, which is, if nothing else, a really interesting thing to sort of think about and put your shoes in... I mean, imagine starting really old and aging backwards, meeting people in the middle... imagine how much you would thirst after and appreciate life, or would we just let more and different things get in the way... but an old lady says, "That's why people die, so we realize how much they meant to us." or something of the sort. Maybe the meaning is all in the discovery of something. And the wonderful thing is, there are certain things that we can never stop discovering about. So maybe, we need to take things for granted for the time being, so that we can continually appreciate them as time goes along, and we continue to discover them. Taking them for granted is but a veil; for the brief moments it is lifted, that is why I live.

I find it more and more difficult to give my heart away. I don't think it has become hardened or anything of the sort. At least, I'd like to think it is just the case that I have grown and learned what is fulfilling to give my heart to.
Are you worth it? Prove it to me. I'll give the benefit of the doubt, but how my heart behaves... not something I can entirely control.
Ah, the L word. sort of like the F word, which the clever title implies. ha. forbidden unless in the right company.

But really, when I think of you, I dream. I dream of the future, of what we could have, how I'll see what we do have... I dream of dandelion seeds, clinging for dear life to their silken white parachutes, drifting off in the late afternoon summer breeze... I dream of the wish that has traveled with them.

I dream of meeting people nobody's ever truly gotten to know before, of going places that others have been to but never really seen before, and of doing things that have been thought about but never really done before.
And the difference is not you, or me. It's that we will be together through this. And, as we discover what is slowly unveiled, we will not be able to stop until we become flesh and blood with all that we love.
Blazing trails, each one new for the simple reason that we are making them together, from the perspective of us, rather than any other.

Even if only in mind, you have my heart. If nothing else, it's a start.

Here's to the days where the spinning hands of the clock decide to just stop running aimlessly, relax, and shake with each other.
Here's to the feelings we thought we've felt, weren't sure, but acted on them anyway, and found that we felt them.
Here's to the things that we can't feel, but we know.

Here's to the days we felt Red.

Once more, with feeling.

I look back at these previous posts. My, my my... how my focus has changed over the years. or rather, taken on different objects toward the end. Which end would that be? Don't feel like explaining. I'll answer with the cryptic term "Life".

The Chumscrubber

I am not feeling particularly creative at the moment, but i don't really have to explain anything to a blog audience, now do I? In face, as i type, my tired, clumsy fingers are missing the appropriate keys. The Backspace Key is getting a lot of love tonight.

I just watched this movie for the second time. The first was at Kenbrook. Glorious Kenbrook, where I was a product of my own idealism. My how the seasons change, and with them, those who behold them.
We were all crowded on the porch. J-Dubs, Amanda, Webbie, Jake, and I. I think Seth had gone to bed. He always sleeps a lot. After all, he is perfectly content wherever he is, whatever he's doing. Too much so, perhaps.
This movie is ridiculously good, and I don't think anyone's ever heard of it except those who have heard of Jake... I'll resist the urge to write a review. If you're reading this, you probably trust me, at least that this is worth reading. And, if you've made it this far, we're probably close to the same sort of wavelength, and you would enjoy a movie I do. So enjoy it.

Closure

Pill I want to swallow?

Getting back in touch

is a difficult thing for sure.